Definition of "Bonus"

Today's blog is in response to the almost-inconceivable request by Merrill Lynch's CEO John Thain for a $10 Million bonus for 2008. Ignorance like this effectively demonstrates how far from reality these bank execs have catapulted themselves. In what way, by whose standards, where in the universe would such a request be valid? Only in John Thain's own mind. And, had he been using his mind since becoming head of ML in December of 2007, instead of playing golf for 10 hours a day, maybe I wouldn't have had to contribute to the $10 Billion bailout his company received in October. I say inconceivable because only in America and only on Wall Street would the CEO of a company who had to borrow from people like me (because normal lending institutions laughed in his face) consider himself worthy of a bonus in the same year his company went bankrupt. Only the sheep, I mean the American people, would be stupid enough to loan money to an entity even the Chinese wouldn't touch. I don't know, it might just be because I'm not an expert economist, but I'd think that if he hadn't pocketed the $15 million sign-on bonus he received last year, he might not have needed the money out of my Christmas club this year to keep his ship afloat. I'd think $15 million would have kept ML out of trusteeship for at least a week. And what brilliant examples of the American educational system hired this man and gave him a sign-on bonus? I want their personal assets as collateral for this loan I extended. I've always wanted a home in the Hamptons--mostly because I would like to get a government grant to study how long it takes to make the president of a home owners' association consider suicide, probably right after he/she realizes that the Clampetts aren't a figment of Hollywood's imagination and they had moved east.

Webster's defines a "bonus" as "money paid in addition to stated compensation, usually from accumulated profits". Hello, Mr. Thain--or can I call you John since I'm a stockholder now--no profits, no bonus--capiche? When might I expect the first payment on your note. $10 million ought to be a great start. And being the Christian that I am, I can't close this letter unless I convey my wishes for a very merry Christmas to you and yours, you thieving bastard!